The good folks over at Haagen Dazs have obviously got bored during lockdown and decided to take a leaf from Ben and Jerry’s book of “what ice cream flavour would I think of if I was massively high?”
Even before trying this tub of Honey and Peach with Rose you just know it’s going to be disgusting.
But is it?
Actually, no! It’s not disgusting at all!
I lie. It’s fucking horrendous and tastes like what I imagine lavender and the year 1933 would taste like if you’re stuck in an old folks home waiting for a slow, boring death from an irreversible neurodegenerative condition.
Tl;dr Haagen Dazs Honey and Rosewater Hallucinogenic Experience ice cream is inedible.
But what do you think? Think I’m being all mean and should remember the halcyon days of 1933 and lavender with a bit more affection? Then hook me up in the comments or Spotify where my band is!
On a recent 4 night trip to hospital me and my SO had the privilege sampling the very best the NHS has to offer in terms of hospital food.
I must admit my expectations were fairly low, which is a bit harsh considering I’ve eaten a cat food stir fry; but who cares, what’s up first?
Erm. orange juice, some desert thing, pork chop avec une carrot et potato sauce.
The first thing that strikes me before I sample what I’m sure will be absolutely delicious meal, is just how accomplished the chef’s knife skills are. Every bit of carrot diced to symmetrical perfection:
And the taste? Fairly cuboid but with all the corners on the inside … and watery.
Next up the potato sauce:
This was actually quite nice; rich and umami with a dash of texture one did not expect on such a tight budget of approximately zero pence.
Next up the pork chop!
Which looks hopelessly dry and barren and chewy and lost and hopeless, but was perplexingly rather nice and edible. Shocked! I tell thee!
And finally on to dessert, which I think is some kind of crumble with custard:
Perfectly acceptable and edible.
The next evening the entree was – I think – a burger. And once again our old friends carrot and potato made a welcome appearance:
One thing I need to draw your attention to is the gravy which seems to exist in a kind of quantum state. Let’s get the microscope and explore more of this microcosmos of food heaven:
As you can see, it has a gravy component and a strange unidentified negative spin anti component of yellow, which you might think is saturated fat, but I’m not so sure, I think it’s just grease. Anyway, ‘Burger Extravaganza’ was totally edible.
The next evening we were served more expertly diced vegetables, potato sauce and some kind of sausage entity:
This was fine and the sausage tasted exactly like the ones you get down the chip shop except without the batter.
On our final evening we had vegetarian calzone, or collapsed lasagne or I really have no idea what this was:
And this too was totally edible and not as sickly or undercooked as it looks!
So that’s my review of hospital food over four incredible evenings. My expectations were surpassed and I was impressed with the level of tasti-ness the food had, despite some questionable presentation skills (which I know the chef is working on).
But you may be asking, why were we in hospital?
This wee guy arrived, 8.9 lbs 6.44 PM May 23:
But what do you think? Been to hospital recently? What did you have? A girl? A potato? Hit me up on Twitter or Facebook and let me know!
Some people are really stupid. Some people are really funny. The Scottish Prosecution Service (SPS) falls into the former and Mark Meechan, who posted a hilarious video of his girlfriend’s dog – trained to react pavlovian style to the phrases “gas the Jews” and “siege heil” online in April 2016 – falls into the latter. Some two years later Mark has been found guilty of a hate crime at Airdrie Sheriff Court; in itself something any sane person would think a joke.
You’ll remember Katie Hopkins calling for pictures of dead refugees and Tommy Robinson labelling an entire ethnic group as evil and you’ll hopefully be of sound body and mind to realise that this is not the same. Not even fucking close.
Unfortunately the powers at the SPS are really dim and now Mark faces possible jail time for having a sense of humour. “You’re always going to get bonkers cases like this” remarks a Sheriff neighbour of mine when I outlined the case to him. How could we? Christ, I feel like blowing an airport sky high!!
I have a dark sense of humour and it’s landed me in trouble a couple times and cost me a job. I didn’t like the job anyway… I digress. Once I was playing around with the idea of writing a food blog post inspired by Jimmy Saville called ‘Cooking With Jimmy Saville’ and I was going to go round the super market looking for really young vegetables. And then my friend Susan suggested I look for deformed young vegetables and cook with them; y’know a carrot with a tiny wiener on it. HAHAHA! SPS would think I’m a paedophile!
But I want to see how far I can push this.
Say what you like about the Nazis, they were efficient and got things done. Plus, they wore awesome clothes. Hugo Boss. Top fashion. I think it would be great if they were around today and had gas chambers and instead of gassing jews they gassed stupid people. Stupid people exactly like the folks at the Scottish Prosecution Service prosecuting Mark. How about the Nazis rounded up the folks at the SPS and just like, you know, gassed them? Hahahaaaa! It would be great! No more stupid people confusing humour with very real and very damaging hate speech where folks get very hurt because people suck goddamit!
As I exhale slowly let’s catch up with Mark who was recently quoted as saying:
I just want everyone to know that I don’t wish any ill-will on any race or anything, it’s just how shock comedy works.
‘It was strictly made to annoy my girlfriend and give my friends something to laugh at.
‘I am so sorry to the Jewish community for any offence I have caused them. This was never my intention and I apologise.
No need to apologise Mark, that’s how humour works. You combine a few ideas like a cute dog and Adolf Hitler and combine them into something much more; humour should explore, not exhort.
Looks like the only excuses I need to write about food these days are A: when a new variety of cat food comes out or B: when I go travelling abroad.
Seeing as my GF is Taiwanese and hasn’t seen her folks in nearly two years a trip to Taiwan was planned and this is the first of what will be many food travelogueablogs or blaveralallels or blogetraveloparallelograms. Continue reading “Taiwan Day One”→
I was down my local Marks & Spencers fancy supermarket where all the posh office workers go to buy their quinoia salads and asparagus and I was all like “I, too, would like to give the impression that I am posh and have more disposable income that I know what to do with”.
And so it came to pass that the first few minutes of my lunch hour were spent in a daze of confusion as a plethora of ethnic and exotic foods greeted me: honey glazed salmon, mustard infused balsamic dressed edamame, slow roasted ham hock and I was all like “shall I just get a cheese and onion pasty from Greggs?”. But then I walked past the salad section and for a very reasonable price of £2.30 saw a tiny tub of SPIRIT of SUMMER Rice, Aduki Bean, Mango & Coconut Salad and I was all like “uh that looks pretty pretentious and horrible. Let’s prove my simple prejudices correct by buying it” So I did!
On getting back to my professional day job’s IT desk I inspected the inside of the packet:
It appears the ingredients have infected by camera phone and forced the orientation into portrait. Anyway, how does it taste?
Even before sampling a mouthful I know how it’s going to go down: there will be an annoying taste of raw red pepper and it will smack slightly of Uncle Ben’s Rice Pots.
In addition, the rice is sticky – in an unwanted sexy way – and the pineapple sauce is really sweet. The Aduki beans could easily pass for rabbit poo and after eating half the tub I give up and toss the packet into the bin.
On the plus side…!
There is no plus side. Stick to Greggs and save yer money. While you’re at it, hook me up on Twitter.