Findus Crispy Pancakes – Three Cheese

I was down my local grocery store and saw these in the freezer section and I was all like “mmmm, cheese”…

But what to do with them? Well I’m always looking for inspirational ideas so I was super overjoyed when I found this incredible website which is not in any way pretentious or over-the-top:

Re Kebabs:
“it’s no longer just a playful thing for me to cook with found foods, it’s an expression of who I am, because I am so very much of this place. My cells are made of these Rocky Mountains, my compass always points me back home”

In tears ;(

Re soy sauce:
“Raindrops tapping me on the collarbone, bootsteps swallowed by sodden moss, hawks screeching on the updraft.”

I don’t know about you but screeching hawks on the updraft is the very first thing I think about when adding soy sauce to my stir fry, quickly followed by how quickly you would die in a thermonuclear war and what would happen if trees could talk. Fact.

Anyway, feeling inspired I nipped round to my professional chef friend’s kitchen and borrowed her fancy pants camera because I want to write the rest of this post in true food blogger style ie incomberhesibly-ee

Lets GO!

I search my inner soul and seek memories I cherished as a child tugging on my mothers apron:

A lemon, creamy horseradish sauce, honey, a cabbage and rice wine vinegar.

I choke back tears of joy as I return my nascent memories to a hot oven at 200c for 15 minutes:

As my childhood is being reborn I turn to the cabbage and chop it into thin fronds of nectarous vegetable perfection…

Different sensations and emotions wash over me and I am at once part of the kitchen utensils, a living organism. I am food. I am a dressing of tahini, honey, lemon juice…

From out of the ether a lonely orb clutches the last remnants of cold it calls home. A fridge. It calls to me.

I will add this to my cabbage salad.

It is now time. Memories are reborn!

My hands shaking, I place a Three Cheese Crispy Pancake on a bed of the salad and delicately drizzle tomato sauce over the plate…

And how does it taste?

It appears that during my efforts to entertain you with my amazing turn of phrase and fancy pants photography, I left the pancakes in the oven for around thirty minutes, maybe longer, I really don’t know, suffice to say they are physically inedible and harder than diamond. Probably. Listen, I can’t bite them as they are so hard. Oh nose! What a let down! I am really sad and cry all over the salad which is actually pretty good! Although maybe I should have used less horseradish or one that was made with less vinegar.

So did you like my photography skillz and amazing po-mo interpretation of a delicious breadcrumbed savoury snack? You DID? That’s great! Then why not Facebook blah blah Twitter blah blah

And if you the mood takes you I’ve entered this blog event thing and I might get a chance to go to an awards do where I can drink myself virtually unconscious on the free bar before making a rambling and incoherent acceptance speech…