Posted in art, diet, experimental


cleansing-the-bodyAs many visitors to this blog know, I like to party hard and I’ve been partying hard for several days now to the point where I think I need to detoxify my system. But how?

Well, you’re all siting there thinking “dude, seriously, just stop drinking” and “the liver has evolved over millions of years and one of it’s essential functions is to detoxify the body” but I’d be all like “nah, the immune system gets all overloaded and the liver can no longer function so we need foods to re-balance our energy fields” and you’d be all looking at me like I was really stupid and didn’t know the first thing about fairly elementary physiology.

But on we march. I needed to get the right kind of detoxificination diet, I mean no more juice or Gouranga or …uh.. Atkins for me; I needed something on the cutting edge of nutritional science and this is where I chanced across the Alkali Diet.

The theory behind the Alkali Diet is that certain food groups either acidify or alkalinify the blood, eg milk, processed carbs, meats are acidic, while things like  apples, potatoes and coconuts are alkaline. Now, you might be thinking “eh, that sounds somewhat arbitrary and spurious and anyway, milk is alkaline”.

Yeah, what do you know!

Wikipedia: “The “dietary ash hypothesis” proposed that these foods, when metabolized, would leave a similar “acid ash” or “alkaline ash” in the body as those oxidized in combustion.

Hmmmmm… if I’m understanding that properly, when you eat something it produces an acid residue and this is so acidic it makes your blood more acidic. OK. I think I get it. And I didn’t know I had an internal combustion engine inside me either. My, science has changed since I were a lad!

But now a bit of me has got thinking: if it makes your blood more acidic then it must be pretty fierce stuff because the stomach is full of acid so this ash acid must be waaaay stronger than that! To wit…

And this gave me a great idea! For today’s recipe I’m going to create my very own Alien creature and make ash acid residue fluid and have it terrorise my kitchen!

I start by selecting an acid forming ingredient from my professional chef’s pantry:


Next, I set fire to about 30g of it:


This next step was critical because I knew that when I added water it would produce some super powerful acid and that’s why that ashtray isn’t actually an ashtray, it’s actually a containing vessel made from pure unobtanium. I got it off ebay. Actually.

ash residiue

Next, I’ve got to make my alien creature so it can terrorise my kitchen with it’s blood of death so I start by assembling the following:

alien ingredients

OK, you’re thinking these look like common or garden items I’ve lazily picked up from a few cupboards and drawers around my luxury flat, but you KNOW NOTHING! These are made from bollockstanium and can withstand anything I throw at them. ANYTHING….

So after a few days working very carefully with PPE equipment I managed to assemble my alien creature to TERRORISE my professional chef’s kitchen!

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking…

I am nuts, yes.

So, have you been on a detox? Success? Was it the alkali one? Did you pass science at school?

Why not head over to the Facebook page or even Twitter.

I also blog over at Huffpost.


I write dumb things about food

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