Last night I did a silly thing. Whilst watching the first half of the England game in the soccer ball world football competition I rashly commented that I would eat a shoe if Wayne Rooney putted a try into the basket. I clearly know nothing about football. Then the sodding bastard scored. So now I must now eat a shoe…
I am a pretty proficient cook, so finding a recipe to cook my shoe with shouldn’t be too hard right? I have decided on a Pierre Cardin trainer, as the French make nice food, so their shoes should taste better than say Angolan shoes. They are also made in China, and I love Chinese.
I’m pretty annoyed about this as these are dope trainers. But never mind, I better think how to cook the shoe, I am thinking Chinese, with a French twist, fusion food is in vogue. Being a fashion item, this seems appropriate.
In the end, I changed my mind as I wanted to get this over and done with as quickly as possible, so I had it for breakfast. This being the case, I decided to go for something quick and easy and I decided to go Japanese, Sashimi style: Ginger, Soy, Chilli, Shoe and Wasabi.
First of all I chopped up the shoe into manageable chunks.
Then dressed it with the Chilli, Soy, Ginger and Wasabi:
Delicious.
So how did it taste?
F*cking horrible, I wasn’t expecting too much, but this was truly like eating a fat man’s crotch after five days at Glastonbury. The foamy bit absorbed the soy, so it squelched out when you chewed, and the Chilli and Wasabi stuck to the leather and got between my teeth, like some ugly Pompeii of burning toothpaste mixed with essence of dead fish and sweat. I was expecting an essence of cheese, but this was bitter, incredibly bitter.
I swear I will never doubt Wayne Rooney again. Well, I might, but I certainly won’t eat a shoe. Unless they design some edible ones. I’m afraid I couldn’t eat the whole thing, it was bloody disgusting.
Jacob Skelton is writer and blogger at singleuseplastic.co.uk a group advocating environmentally responsible use of plastic [unlike this example-Ed].
Another goddam foodblog 
Oh Skeltonator you silly man you – Why didn’t you choose a shoe that was leather rather than plastic? At least that started off edible (well-ish, its not like people tend to eat cow skin) and you might be able to create something like biltong by soaking the leather upper in soy sauce and sherry for a week or two?
heesa moron. leather boiled for a week might have been the thing