So I was down my local convenience store when I saw these and I was all like “I bet no one has tried to cook with Tampax before!”
I think I might have freaked out the cashier cos when I went up to the counter and she mumbled something about “devoted boyfriend” and I said “you are just a cheap narrative device I use to make my world famous food bog funny” her facial expression changed from happy to %100 proper confused.
Anyway, what’s inside the packet?
The late, great, Rik Mayall was right! A mouse inside a mini telescope! Alright!
But what will I do with my mouse and telescope?
After a trip to my well appointed professional chef’s fridge and cupboards I return with the following:
Cherry tomatoes, chilli sauce, spaghetti and some unidentified polish meat thing:
And some umami paste:
But what to do with all these incredible ingredients?
I think the Polish meat is like bacon so I reckon I’m going to make some kind of delicious tomato based pasta sauce to compliment the richness of the Tampax.
I start by finely chopping the Polish meat and adding it to a hot frying pan so the fat can render down (FYI Polish meat thing explodes and spits a lot during cooking and I got hit a couple times by hot fat).
After around 5 minutes I add my tomatoes, umami paste and Tampax:
And after adding some pasta water and simmering for a further 4 minutes I serve!
spaghetti con pomodoro, salsa di peperoncino e tampax
Aaaaaaaaand how does it taste?
The Polish bacon is OK but a little processed tasting and the chilli sauce is maybe too sweet. The Tampax tastes quite nice, although a little tough and stringy. But the biggest problem is that it’s surprisingly dry; that bitch-ass Tampax has been absorbing all my sauce! So maybe if you were to try making this I would possibly add more water, or not use the Tampax. Up to you. Write me and let me know how you get on.
So what did you think? Oh, you feel a bit sick. Erm, sorry and stuff. On the other hand I have entered the Observer Food Monthly and this blog needs to get nominated because it would be very very funny indeed and you can totally do that here.
I also blog at Huffpost etc
Another goddam foodblog 
Lovely! But of course Tampax will be “stringy.” And you had the Rik Mayall reference for the current-events tie-in. But the phrase I want to see on a T-shirt: “That Bitch-Ass Tampax Has Been Absorbing All My Sauce!” Someone make this shirt happen, please. And while we’re at it, I hope the cooking show “Chopped” will borrow your idea for one of their special basket ingredients… or you could gently nudge them… while reminding them that airing it at the end of the month would work best.
I like the tshirt quote. nice!