Posted in celebrity

Cooking With Katie Hopkins

kh

It’s almost Halloween time again and that got me randomly thinking about national treasure Katie Hopkins. She is a media sensation who is most noteworthy for her very forthright views on just about everything…

“Would I employ you if you were obese? No I would not. You would give the wrong impression to the clients of my business. I need people to look energetic, professional and efficient. If you are obese you look lazy.”

“A name, for me, is a short way of working out what class that child comes from. Do I want my child to play with them?”

(on ginger babies) “like a baby, just so much harder to love”

Exactly Katie, tell it like it is!

But it appears that some folks don’t take too kindly to this kind of ignorant, selfish, somewhat ill-informed gobtwattery honesty; in fact some folks think Katie Hopkins is possessed!

H/T b3ta

jack-o-lanternAnd this got me thinking, how about I have Katie round for dinner where we can work through her demonic possession and maybe some of her views about immigration and healthcare reform AND COOK UP SOMETHING DELICIOUS FOR HALLOWEEN!

But what to cook for Katie? I couldn’t find much on Google about what foods she ate so I nipped off to Twitter to ask some fans and @LindaFStewart playfully suggests

“Satan’s cock? Wrapped in filo pastry?” Right-O!

IDShot_225x225

As readers of this blog might remember I cooked with Cock a few weeks back so I think this will form the Cock part of Satan’s Cock and I think for the Satan part I will use a chicken breast and to make it extra devlish I’m going to make the mother of all hot sauces!

I start by coating the chicken in Cock:

dusted chicken

Next, I assemble my  Satanic sauce ingredients: tinned tomato, chilli sauce AND dried Birdseye chilli AND Tobasco AND mustard. Oh my!

satans sauce

I add all these sauce ingredients to my Cock dusted chicken breast…

chicken cooking

But this is nowhere near the end of myfoodeeblogs Halloween themed blog post! You see, Katie Hopkins is also a massive fan of Thatcher (what’s not to like!):

In case the timestamp thingy doesn’t work Katie says “I wish Thatcher was back so she could smash these unions!”

And this is all I need to complete the final piece of our Halloween meal! I am going to serve Katie Satan’s Cock as part of a bizarre spooky satanic rite where we try and resurrect the cursed soul of Baroness Thatcher from hell!

in the pentegtrram

I begin the rite by reciting a powerful incantation:

Trapped in purgatory
A lifeless object, alive
Awaiting reprisal
Death will be their acquisition

The sky is turning red
Return to power draws near
Fall into me, the sky’s crimson tears
Abolish the rules made of stone

Pierced from below, souls of my treacherous past
Betrayed by many, now ornaments dripping above

Awaiting the hour of reprisal
Your time slips away

Raining blood
From a lacerated sky
Bleeding its horror
Creating my structure
Now I shall reign in blood!

The final step is to take a bite of Satan’s Cock and that should be enough to open the gates of hell and summon demon Thatcher from the underworld. SO FUCKING EXCITED!

So, how does Satan’s Cock taste?

Really nice, but after 4 hours of waiting excitedly, it fails to summon the spirit of Thatcher and Katie leaves in a puff of green smoke. I am most upset!

ghost
Hey-ho, maybe the incantation was all wrong. Look, I just don’t know.

So, what demon are you summoning this Halloween? Maybe you could fire over to the facebook page and tell the other devil worshipers hanging out there. Or maybe Twitter is more your style? I also haunt huffington post.

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Author:

I write dumb things about food

2 thoughts on “Cooking With Katie Hopkins

  1. At 3:41 in the video, look carefully and you’ll see that Katie’s left hand is starting to turn into a cloven hoof…your incantation is clearly working, Col, albeit retro-actively. Every time you watch the video Katie will become incrementally more demonic…when you have watched the video 666 times, Katie will have been transformed into a full-on scaly red devil, with pointy tits that spray battery acid to get her pithy political opinions across; and her “soul” – such as it is – trapped inside the video for eternity! As Ms. Thatcher says whensoever she wins yet another round of subterranean croquet: yay!

    It is advised that you put your speakers on mute at this point as Katie’s from-the-depths-of-hell keening may cause cerebrospinal fluid to leak from your ears, eyes, nose and mouth.

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