Cooking WIth Nigella

As frequent visitors to this site know, I am a huge celebrity fan and am always getting cooking ideas from television chefs and famous Hollywood actors

Nigella Lawson is a massive influence on my cooking; she brings a raw sexual energy and sensuous edge to her meals which you can probably see running through most of my many excellent recipes.

But lately I feel as if I’ve been losing my mojo, my bite, so I figured I’d cook something for Nigella. But what? I know that she’s pretty experimental and has cooked ham in coca cola. All right! So if I’m going to please Nigella, I’m going to have come up with something just as good; I live in Glasgow so I thought I’d do a twist on that recipe and go with:

Irn Bru and chicken!

How can this possibly fail!

For the rest of this post I’m going to honour Nigella’s sensuous cooking style and I’ve even given you some music to get you in the mood for my ultra sexy Irn Bru and chicken meal:

Poss rest of post NSFW

I start by opening the bottle of Irn Bru; my fingertips rise against its cold surface until I reach its hard cap. I caress and then turn it gently until it pops open and the fizzy contents ejaculate all over me.

Next, I tease open the packet of Tesco Metro chicken breast and feel the contents; they are warm and sticky:

I rub a blend of cumin, fennel and clove all over my chicken breast, its moistness combines with the spices in a fashion that makes me want to spread my legs all over the rather uncomfy chair I am sitting on.

Slowly and tenderly I pour the Irn Bru into a saucepan and transfer the heaving  breast of chicken into its maw. I turn up the heat and let the delicous flavours pound each other for around 4 minutes:

after which I withdraw the chicken and leave to rest;  I add some soy sauce and lemon juice to the Irn Bru and let it reduce and intensify its heavenly flavours.

In another pot I have boiled some potatoes and will pour cream into their warm insides. I use my delicate hands to softly squeeze the cream and potatoes together. I also add a good hard knob of butter and giggle with delight as it melts all over my sweaty fingers:

I finish the dish by placing the chicken on a bed of the mashed potato and I drip some of the sauce all over the plate:

So, how does it taste?

I take a fork by its hard shaft and press an Irn Bru soaked heaving piece of chicken breast into my mouth; I can feel its warm juice against my lips and I moan in ecstasy as it slides with the sticky slightly salty sauce against the back of my throat and into my stomach.

I crave for more, so I open a packet of nuts and place them, one by one, into my gaping mouth. I let the nuts slip deep inside me until I feel them caressing the breast within. Oh, Nigella!

Like the mighty Kraken, my inner hormones have been awakened and cannot be satiated by the taste of mere food. I grab the plate, the chicken, potato and sticky salty sauce and rub them all over my naked body and fall to my professional chef’s kitchen floor, moaning and writhing in pleasure.

OH NIGELLA!

So, how was it for you! Are you all super sexy with my Irn Bru and chicken and do you yearn for more?

You do? That’s GREAT, head over to my Facebook page and lets have a filthy time talking utter nonsense about food.

You can also come all over me on Twitter

ps, this recipe tasted nice: a bit terryaki-esque.